I had this dream this morning (I dream the most vividly just before I wake up) that I was cleaning this very messy house. It was a hoarders house, with piles and piles of junk everywhere, that is to say: my worst nightmare.
Anyway, I’d clean and clean, sorting and scrubbing with my pink-gloved hands until a patch was finally bare. Then, I’d sit back, exhausted, only to have the tidy patch fill in again with junk. So I’d clean some more, and the same thing would happen. Needless to say, I woke up exhausted.
It doesn’t take some kind of detailed Freudian analysis to work out what that dream was all about.
I am a control freak. I’m totally aware of this. And one of my main coping mechanisms is to be extremely tidy – after all, I can’t control what’s happening in the world, what everyone thinks of me, the weather, other people… But, by gum, I can make sure my house is spotless. And while I understand the psychopathology behind this behaviour, it doesn’t mean I don’t still indulge it. Fucking insight! Anyway, it seemed like this dream was one big metaphor for me trying to control something that can’t be controlled.
I crave order in my life, but chaos is natural. I seek to plan out all happenings, but the future is sometimes un-knowable, and un-plannable. I want everyone to like me, but some people just don’t, no matter how much I wish they did.
I guess the only thing a person can control is their reaction to all these things. Instead of railing, fighting and cursing things that cannot change, I need to just relax and go with it. Life will go on, the future will happen, people will go about their business and no amount of wishing, hoping or worry is going to make a lick of difference. I really need to stop worrying and chill the fudge out, rather than constantly battling in my head with things I can’t effect or change.
The whole world is full of things I’m not going to be able to control, people who don’t dig on me, houses I just can’t clean. And it isn’t the end of the world. There are too many good things going on to waste all this time worrying. Besides, I can always go home to my own little cheery yellow house and vacuum to my little heart’s content.
Are you a control freak too? Do you keep having meaningful-type dreams even though you think that dream analysis is a load of crap like I do? Let me know below!