For years, when someone hurt me, I had to let them know.
Just the thought that there was a person out there who had made me feel worthless or hurt, who didn’t know how much they had effected me, drove me nuts. So I would make sure they knew. I would show them the impact that they had on my life. I’d make it utterly plain how much they’d inspired pain in me. I’d pour misery from my very pores just because they had to know, they had to.
The most freeing thing that ever happened to me was learning that the people who hurt you? Nine times out of ten, they don’t give a shit.
No, really. They don’t.
So all those years I spent in agonies so that everyone could see how much I had been hurt? Totally wasted. The only person that behaviour had any kind of impact on was me. I suffered and ached and cried and they didn’t know or care and if they had known? They probably just would have laughed and told me to go fuck myself.
The people I’ve hurt over the years? They had the right idea and just got over it, evicted me from their lives and got on with it. As they should have. Because I’m no saint either: I’ve done a lot of awful things in my life, often to good people who didn’t deserve it. I’m ridiculously irritable, controlling, require space, can be cold, distant, unaffectionate and I’ve got a big mouth that runs constantly with little input from my brain. I know my flaws, I’ve examined and catalogued every one at length. Only in knowing and accepting your flaws can you ever hope to overcome them.
Mouth too large and troublesome to be pictured.
But you know what? When I hurt people, I feel bad about it. I care. I beat myself up about it and feel like a shit of a person and sometimes I even learn and change my ways… (sometimes.) This is because my life is dedicated to trying (and often failing, but still trying) to be a better person than I am. I’m coming to realise that this isn’t always the case with people. Most of them really, honestly don’t give a shit. Or they are happy that they have hurt you. After all, that’s what they set out to do.
Well, good job then!
(Image via computerandvideogames.com)
So, when I was slighted against I let the person who had hurt me, who did it and then thought, ‘fuck you’, just totally rule my life and consume my thoughts. Who suffered most from that? Me. Not them.
I’m trying to be stronger these days. I’m trying to not let people who don’t care about me effect me as much. It’s really hard. But in the end it’s worth it. If someone dislikes me enough to do hurtful things, rip me off, call me names, then there’s no point in trying to make them see that they have hurt me. They don’t care. Or: they wanted to hurt me, and thus are satisfied. I shouldn’t waste my time with them.
There are only so many precious hours in the day, months in the year, years in this life. I’m going to move on and keep on working to make myself a better person, no matter how many times I fail. After all, those failures might teach me something. I’m going to work hard to make my life more awesome, myself more awesome. It’s all I can do.
My vague vagueness is vague. But, hopefully I’m able to move on now I’ve got these feelings out, rather than spinning around and around in my head. How do you cope when you are hurt?
This is quite deep for me, I just tend to shout, perform and go for a run – maybe I am quite insensitive nut I try not to let random hurts bother me too much:) It is probably more mature to let people know that they hurt you, I just end up unfriending them.
Sadly ‘unfriending’ people is only good online, not in real life. Man, how I wish it was that easy! I’m far too sensitive for my own good – I often wish I could just blow up and get on with it.
I used to bottle it up and then explode once I was too stressed to hold it in, then feel guilty about overreacting to whatever finally triggered release.
Then I studied Tantra and encountered the statement that the lion is entitled to his roar. So now I try to be angry when I am angered and then go back to being content to eat, sleep, and have a sexy mane (well maybe not the last one). That way I do not feel like a pushover but do not waste energy on carrying their actions.
I often find myself too scared to be angry at people when I am entitled to. I have no idea why! I think it would be much easier on me if I was able to feel anger in it’s place and yell a bit and get over it. You know, how normal folk do it!
It might be class and education.
I grew up in a good neighbourhood and went to a good school so was constantly exposed to the paradigm that resolving disputes calmly instead of lashing out was the sign of a better person. This left me feeling that becoming angry weakened the moral authority of my viewpoint.
I went to schools that varied wildly: two great ones and one awful one. Of course, it was the awful one that left it’s mark on me the most. I spent a lot of time seeing people lash out when angry, both verbally and with violence, which led me to be afraid of making people angry. In fact, it left me afraid of a lot of things!
Fortunately (or unfortunately) I’m on of those people that don’t feel hurt by people (unless I’m intensely in love with them) because I’m able to cut them out so easily because I realise that their presence wasn’t adding any value to my life anyways. It’s a bit cold-hearted of me but sometime you just have to guard your heart, guard your light and guard your happiness.
Btw I found your blog through a comment you left on Mandy’s xoJane article about owning your shit. Thank you for linking your blog and I’m glad I clicked on it because I like what you write about.
I would really like to find a healthy balance between trusting people and being more wary. I think that too much of either is a problem, but getting that balance is so hard! Thanks for coming by my blog! I thought that post by Mandy was pretty insightful. It said a lot of things I’m identifying with at the moment.
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